Contrary to popular belief, I AM NOT GAY!

*ahem*

Over the years, on occasion, I have been thought to be gay. I am not gay.  I like women. I like em a lot! Any woman that has been in the same room with me and alcohol can attest to this. But for some reason, I have still been mistaken for one of the gays.

I guess I should start by saying that I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. I think it's great! Have at it I say! It's just not my bag. Someone else in my family got the gay genes (Jordache, if I'm not mistaken) hell, he probably has a healthier relationship than I've ever had (and it's lasted longer too.) I, however, am a 100% heterosexual, woman lovin' man, man.

My last girlfriend called me her "big gay boyfriend, the girl in the cube next to me refers to me as her "gay coworker" to her friends.

Seriously now...

Okay, so I probably have a bit more of a feminine side than a lot of guys. I'm emotional, I like Air Supply, Kelly Clarkson and Adam Lambert, I cry when I watch Extreme Home Makeover (let's face it, who doesn't?) and I sometimes mimic a thoooper gay lisp, but that doesn't make me gay, it makes me fun!

Right?

Anyway..so I got to thinking about why the hell people may think I'm gay and will now explain it all away. (Don't even try to play the denial card either, or I'll get really pissy!)

Gay facto #1 -  There is no hair on my body.

De Facto - I shave my head because I started going bald at the age of 25 and it's better to be "bald" than "balding." I shave my arms because I don't want hair covering up my tattoos. I shave my chest because *most* women don't like hairy chests and my legs because I'm a cyclist and my legs are fabulous! Also, leg massages feel much better when there is no hair involved (I am now taking applications for a part time leg masseuse by the way)
AND ANOTHER THING! There are few things more amazing than sliding into a freshly made bed with freshly shaven legs (srsly, try it some time)

Gay facto #2 -  I pluck my eyebrows.

De Facto - I pluck them to remove those crazy ass long ones that pop up out of nowhere. I don't actually SHAPE them! Have you ever seen that crazy guy in that infomercial for the juicer? I do NOT want to be that guy.

Gat facto #3 - I wear Women's Speed Stick..

De facto - Fine, it's a ladies product, but you know what? It smells good and it keeps me dry. Remember that famous line "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman?" Hello!
And really, who the hell wants to smell like English Leather, Brut or Old Spice? I can't believe they even make that crap anymore. Don't even get me started on that rank ass Axe body spray. I'd rather be hit with an ax than wear that putrid bug spray.

Gat facto #4 - I wear girly lotions.

De facto - I wear women's lotions because they SMELL GOOD! Again, why on earth would you want to smell like a piece of English leather or an old spice when you can smell like coconut lime verbena or blueberry muffins? There's something to be said for the quality of ladies' skin care products. I have softer skin at 40 than most 20 year old's. There's not even an argument for this one as far as I'm concerned.

Gay facto #5 - I ride a pink road bike

De facto - Um...okay, so I can't really explain that one.

Gay facto #6 I ride a pink mountain bike.

De facto - Shit...

Gay facto #7 I like to decorate my home and am pretty good at it.

De facto - Hey, who doesn't want to have a cute house? I like coming up with ideas that I think are going to look neat and it gives my house a personal look. So what if I made a special trip to IKEA just to find curtains to match my couches?

Um....

This isn't quite turning out the way I planned...





I'm not gay.